www.sunrayedu.com
● 批改 by 葡萄
本次批改严格按照IELTS 小作文评分标准进行。IELTS 小作文评分项：TA (内容的完整性), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准度), LR (词汇资源) 。文末会进行总评及打分。
● 作文题目：剑桥9 Test3小作文
The charts below give information on the ages of the populations of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and projections for 2050.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
● 考生原文
The pie charts provide information about the ages of the populations of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and also a estimative for 2050.
In the year of 2000, the half of populations were 0-14 years(50.1%) in Yemen. The rest of populations who between 15 to 59 years old and over 60 years old(46.3% and 3.6% respectively). However, there were only 14.3% of populations children below 15 years old. The most of people were between 15 and 59 years old(61.6%).
It is estimated that people between 15-59 years will increase to 57.3% in YEMEN in 2030. The children below 15 years old will decreased from 50.1% to 37%. In contrast, 42.3% of population over 60 years old will rise from 24.1%. The people who 15-59 years and below 15 years old is projected to decrease
to 46.2% and 11.5%
www.sunrayedu.com
respectively.
To sum up, there is upward trend in the rate of over 60 years old as shown from the charts.
文中标识：
用词不当逻辑错误语法错误修改添加
Test 3
The pie charts provide information about the ages of the populations(和题目相似度太高，建议改为three age groups) of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and also a（an ） estimative (estimative是形容词，这里需要名词estimate) for 2050.
In the year of 2000, thehalf of populations were 0-14 years(50.1%) in Yemen（population 是一个总称概念，这里不需要用复数，国家放在最后造成语言逻辑上不顺，建议改为half of Yemen’s population were those under 15 years old）. The rest of populations who between 15 to 59 years old and over 60 years old(46.3% and 3.6% respectively) (问题很多，最大问题就是没有谓语结构，意思不完整，建议改为：People between 15 and 59 years old constituted 46.3% of the nation’s population and the rest 3.6% were those over 60) . However, there were only 14.3% of populations children below 15 years old(句子成分混乱，而且也没有点明国家，全句建议改为However, in Italy only 14.3% people were under 15 years old in the same year) . The most of people (Most people) were between 15 and 59 years old(61.6%). It is estimated that people between 15-59 years will increase to 57.3% in YEMEN(国家字母不需要全部大写，改为Yemen) in 2030(年份看错，2050) . The（此处不需定冠词，删去） children below 15 years old will decreased（decrease ） from 50.1% to 37%. In contrast, 42.3% of population over 60 years old will rise from 24.1%（本句说的是Italy ，却没有点出，而且表达的逻辑不对，建议改为inItaly the proportion of elderly people is projected to rise significantly to 42.3% in 2050）. The（同上，删去）people whowere from 15-59 years and below 15 years old is(are)projected to decrease to 46.2% and 11.5% respectivelyin 2050.
To sum up, there is（2050年的是预测数据，并非既定事实，不宜使用一般现在时） upward trend in the rate of over（把“人”漏了） 60 years old as shown from the charts.(结尾太仓促，内容不够全面，应该对比两个国家。建议改为：it is predicted that in 2050 those from 15-59 will be the main age group in both countries. While Italy may have a significant percentage of aged people, Yemen’s population will be younger.)
总评5（TA5 CC5.5 GRA 5 LR5）
1. 信息描写相对完整，明显地体现了趋势，运用了相关数据，也对两国之间进行了一定比较；但是结尾
www.sunrayedu.com
比较仓促，应该认识到两国在2050年的共性和差异，进行概括
2. 使用了一些衔接词，使得上下文连贯性还不错
3. 语法错误：定冠词the 的不当使用、形容词和名词混淆、句子结构不全导致意思难以理解
4. 词汇变化方面比较一般，没有非常灵活，需要加强
5. 句型变化不多，可以适当变换
参考范文：
The charts show the proportions of three different age groups in two nations in the year 2000 and a prediction for 2050.
In Yemen, half of the population in 2000 were children below 14 years old, which accounted for 50.1%. This was followed by the group of those between 15 and 59 years old(constituting 46.3%). The percentage of elderly people was as low as 3.6%. However, it is predicted that in 2050 the proportion of those from 15 to 59 will rise significantly to 57.3% and that of children will drop to 37.0%. At the same time, there will be a slight increase in the aged group(5.7%).
By contrast, in Italy, the main age group in 2000 were those from 15 to 59(61.6%). Children represented 14.3% of the total population. But by 2050, the 15-59 group will decrease to 46.2% and the elderly group is expected to reach 42.3%, which will be much higher than the percentage in Yemen. On the other hand, those under 14 will only make up 11.5% of Italy’s population, compared with 37.0% in Yemen.
Overall, it is predicted that by 2050 people between 15 and 59 years old will be the main group in both countries. Italy will have a high proportion of elderly people while Yemen will have more children than the old.
www.sunrayedu.com
www.sunrayedu.com
● 批改 by 葡萄
本次批改严格按照IELTS 小作文评分标准进行。IELTS 小作文评分项：TA (内容的完整性), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准度), LR (词汇资源) 。文末会进行总评及打分。
● 作文题目：剑桥9 Test3小作文
The charts below give information on the ages of the populations of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and projections for 2050.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
● 考生原文
The pie charts provide information about the ages of the populations of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and also a estimative for 2050.
In the year of 2000, the half of populations were 0-14 years(50.1%) in Yemen. The rest of populations who between 15 to 59 years old and over 60 years old(46.3% and 3.6% respectively). However, there were only 14.3% of populations children below 15 years old. The most of people were between 15 and 59 years old(61.6%).
It is estimated that people between 15-59 years will increase to 57.3% in YEMEN in 2030. The children below 15 years old will decreased from 50.1% to 37%. In contrast, 42.3% of population over 60 years old will rise from 24.1%. The people who 15-59 years and below 15 years old is projected to decrease
to 46.2% and 11.5%
www.sunrayedu.com
respectively.
To sum up, there is upward trend in the rate of over 60 years old as shown from the charts.
文中标识：
用词不当逻辑错误语法错误修改添加
Test 3
The pie charts provide information about the ages of the populations(和题目相似度太高，建议改为three age groups) of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and also a（an ） estimative (estimative是形容词，这里需要名词estimate) for 2050.
In the year of 2000, thehalf of populations were 0-14 years(50.1%) in Yemen（population 是一个总称概念，这里不需要用复数，国家放在最后造成语言逻辑上不顺，建议改为half of Yemen’s population were those under 15 years old）. The rest of populations who between 15 to 59 years old and over 60 years old(46.3% and 3.6% respectively) (问题很多，最大问题就是没有谓语结构，意思不完整，建议改为：People between 15 and 59 years old constituted 46.3% of the nation’s population and the rest 3.6% were those over 60) . However, there were only 14.3% of populations children below 15 years old(句子成分混乱，而且也没有点明国家，全句建议改为However, in Italy only 14.3% people were under 15 years old in the same year) . The most of people (Most people) were between 15 and 59 years old(61.6%). It is estimated that people between 15-59 years will increase to 57.3% in YEMEN(国家字母不需要全部大写，改为Yemen) in 2030(年份看错，2050) . The（此处不需定冠词，删去） children below 15 years old will decreased（decrease ） from 50.1% to 37%. In contrast, 42.3% of population over 60 years old will rise from 24.1%（本句说的是Italy ，却没有点出，而且表达的逻辑不对，建议改为inItaly the proportion of elderly people is projected to rise significantly to 42.3% in 2050）. The（同上，删去）people whowere from 15-59 years and below 15 years old is(are)projected to decrease to 46.2% and 11.5% respectivelyin 2050.
To sum up, there is（2050年的是预测数据，并非既定事实，不宜使用一般现在时） upward trend in the rate of over（把“人”漏了） 60 years old as shown from the charts.(结尾太仓促，内容不够全面，应该对比两个国家。建议改为：it is predicted that in 2050 those from 15-59 will be the main age group in both countries. While Italy may have a significant percentage of aged people, Yemen’s population will be younger.)
总评5（TA5 CC5.5 GRA 5 LR5）
1. 信息描写相对完整，明显地体现了趋势，运用了相关数据，也对两国之间进行了一定比较；但是结尾
www.sunrayedu.com
比较仓促，应该认识到两国在2050年的共性和差异，进行概括
2. 使用了一些衔接词，使得上下文连贯性还不错
3. 语法错误：定冠词the 的不当使用、形容词和名词混淆、句子结构不全导致意思难以理解
4. 词汇变化方面比较一般，没有非常灵活，需要加强
5. 句型变化不多，可以适当变换
参考范文：
The charts show the proportions of three different age groups in two nations in the year 2000 and a prediction for 2050.
In Yemen, half of the population in 2000 were children below 14 years old, which accounted for 50.1%. This was followed by the group of those between 15 and 59 years old(constituting 46.3%). The percentage of elderly people was as low as 3.6%. However, it is predicted that in 2050 the proportion of those from 15 to 59 will rise significantly to 57.3% and that of children will drop to 37.0%. At the same time, there will be a slight increase in the aged group(5.7%).
By contrast, in Italy, the main age group in 2000 were those from 15 to 59(61.6%). Children represented 14.3% of the total population. But by 2050, the 15-59 group will decrease to 46.2% and the elderly group is expected to reach 42.3%, which will be much higher than the percentage in Yemen. On the other hand, those under 14 will only make up 11.5% of Italy’s population, compared with 37.0% in Yemen.
Overall, it is predicted that by 2050 people between 15 and 59 years old will be the main group in both countries. Italy will have a high proportion of elderly people while Yemen will have more children than the old.
www.sunrayedu.com